Work Shmurk

I have absolutely no motivation to work today and I have no idea why. I love my new job (not so new anymore, I guess) and everyday I love the challenge of tackling my ever-growing "to do list" (yes, I actually keep a list) and accomplishing as much as possible. I love the way I feel after having a productive day and strive each day to be more productive than the last. But, for some crazy reason, today is a different story. I cannot bring myself to do anything. I just don't want to work...period. So, to eat up some of the time left in the work day, I will blog!

Some random thoughts because it's a random day...

My dear friend and old college roomie, Elaine, is getting married tomorrow! John and I are both really excited for the wedding because we love weddings and we love Nick and Elaine, so the two together is double the fun! I am also excited to get to see and spend some quality time with some of my other friends from college who will also be attending. And, as if the day couldn't get any better...I've got the most fabulous dress to wear ;-) Can't wait!

I am also looking forward to tomorrow because...drum roll please...John is finally getting the stitches out of his thumb. Back on Friday the 13th (go figure), John sliced his thumb open and had to go to the emergency room and get 7 stitches! I've had to re-bandage this thumb almost everyday for the last two weeks, which is no easy feat due to the fact that John is so particular that if his thumb was not wrapped exactly right, he'd take off the bandages and make me start over. My mom is going to take the stitches out when we drop Bailey off at her house tomorrow (she is dog sitting while we are away). Having a skilled nurse in the family is very handy :-)

I am so excited for next Thursday when we will hold our 3rd annual July 4th BBQ! Our city holds their Independence Day celebration each year on July 3rd at the park in our neighborhood, so each year we have friends and family over for good food, drinks and games, and then we all walk to the park to watch the fireworks! I love traditions, and this is one of the first that we started after getting married. This year we are planning to have a ladder ball tournament, complete with an entrance fee and brackets and refs! John and I are extremely competitive and I think we've got a good chance of taking all the glory!!!

Last week I finally did something that I've been wanting to do for a long time...I got a library card! I checked out 3 books and have already finished one and am almost through another. I love to read and I'm so excited to finally be doing more of it. For all you blog readers out there...I need book recommendations!!!

OK, OK...I've wasted enough time. I suppose I should try to do something productive for the next 30 minutes (when I plan to run out the door as fast as I can!!!).

Happy Friday!

You Booze, You Lose

Let me preface this post with the fact that I already realize how stupid it will sound. But, in the interest of full disclosure and true self-reflection, I feel compelled to put this into writing.

It's hard for me to admit, but I've come to the realization that I can't handle my alcohol. Let's not get confused here, though - I do not, in any way, have a drinking problem. There is a difference. Let me explain...

I don't particularly like "to drink". I loooove wine, and enjoy a good glass or two, red or white (but never blush), every now and then. At dinner, after a stressful day, out with friends...a glass of wine is just fantastic. But, I am never one to go out with the intention on getting smashed. Sure, maybe back in the old college days this was more of my intention, but even then I still was nowhere close to the way that most typical college students are. I could handle it back then, though, so it was ok. I could go out, have a good time, and that was it.

Maybe my body has changed, maybe it's because life is a lot more complicated now, maybe it's because I've changed, but whatever the reason, I cannot handle my alcohol anymore. I am very in tune with my body and I know (and respect) my limits. I very rarely go past my limit when it comes to drinking. Nine point nine times out of ten, I will have a drink, maybe two, and I am happy and, more importantly, I am finished. But (and I'm sure this happens to everyone) once in a great while, I go past my limit. It's never intentional, and it's usually way too late before I realize it, but it happens. And that's where the trouble is. And what is the trouble, you might ask?

First, I get mean, and then I get emotional. I usually try to pick a fight with anyone in my path, then I yell, and then I cry. Ugh! It's so embarrassing just knowing this, never mind writing it and posting it on my blog. It's embarrassing to me for several reasons: (1) I am a private person and I hate to show weakness to anyone; (2) I have always prided myself on being a strong and confident woman, and this behavior, although extremely rare, makes me question myself, which I never, ever should do; and (3) It's completely foolish and totally preventable. Thankfully, I have an extremely understanding husband who always makes me feel infinitely better after an "incident", but I cannot let his compassion excuse my behavior. It is not ok...ever.

By putting this into writing, it makes it much more real and I can no longer ignore, minimize or deny it. No matter how rare it is, I refuse to let it happen again, not for anyone else but myself. Because I demand more from myself. Because I deserve more for myself. Because my personal mission is perfectly clear: To live my best life. To be the best person I know how to be. To be grateful for even the smallest things in life. To live according to my own expectations, not the world's. To live to impress, improve and inspire myself. To live with integrity. To live without regrets. To live my dreams, not dream my life. I acknowledge and take pride in the fact that my life is in my own control, to do with it what I choose...and I choose to be happy. My thoughts , feelings, emotions, and actions are my own. Everyday I make a conscious decision to do the best and be the best that I can.

And I will, because when I set my mind to it, I can do anything. As the plaque that my husband gave to me the day that I ran the Cape Cod Marathon says: "The achievement of your goal is assured the moment you commit yourself to it."

Vacation is definitely over.

After a wonderful and relaxing week away from real life, I am back. I am still trying to get caught up at work, which is difficult considering I have practically been in back-to-back meetings for the past two days. And, naturally, when things are already hectic for me, life throws a few wrenches into the mix.

First, I woke up this morning to a banging noise in the attic. My dear husband was frantically looking for our 2006 and 2007 tax returns that he needed today (way to leave it until last minute to look for them!). We are both extremely organized people and have an excellent filing system for all of our bills and important paperwork...perhaps too organized. It appears, although it is not confirmed, that the hubby THREW AWAY our tax returns in a effort to clean up our files. THREW THEM AWAY!!! With all of our personal information...SSN's, how much we make, where we work, etc... Ugh! So, as he flew out the door to work this morning (running late due to the frantic, last minute search), I was charged with the task of contacting our accountant and arranging to get new copies of the returns....today! So, I figured I'd just call the accountant when I got to work this morning to arrange getting new copies. But, when I arrived this morning, I was greeted by an IT person who had come to replace my desktop computer with the laptop that I requested a month and a half ago! Seriously, a month and a half has gone by and he shows up THIS MORNING!!! The process of converting the computer took forever...which made me late to my 9:00 meeting, which then made me late to my 10:00 meeting, which then made me completely unprepared for my 11:00 meeting. Thankfully my 1:00 meeting was moved to a different day, so I actually get to sit at my desk until 2:00 to do my work (then it's off to more meetings for the rest of the day!). So, speaking of doing my work, since my time is limited today, I'd better quit blogging and get to it. I just need to get my frustrations out.

Vent over!

I Take it Back (Sort of)

So, perhaps I jumped the gun. The ex finally responded to me last week (although I am skeptical that the only reason is because I asked a mutual friend to find out why I was being ignored and I think it made him realize that not responding to me made him look like a donkey). But, whatever, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. So, consider this a retraction of my last post.

Get Over It!

I'm feeling a little disgusted with my ex-boyfriend right now.

I haven't spoken to him in over 2 and a half years, and we broke up nearly 8 years ago. That's right, eight. It's ANCIENT history. A past life. I know that the break-up was really hard on him, and I've always felt terrible about that because the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him, but I couldn't just stay with him to make him happy. I was not in love with him anymore. I did not see a future for us together. It was a terribly difficult thing to do, and I probably should have done it months before I did, but it had to be done. He's a great guy who deserves all the happiness in the world. He just wasn't the right one for me.

I thought that we were on at least semi-decent terms. It took a while, but eventually we were able to talk (and by talk, I mean email) on friendly terms. What have you been doing? How's your family? Blah, blah, blah. I know that he's always hated the fact that I am with John...he's always blamed John for our break-up, even though John had absolutely nothing to do with it...but he at least faked being nice to me about it. So, about two and a half years ago, he found out I was engaged. I got this sappy email from him about how happy he was for me and that he wished me nothing but the best. I actually thought it was true. But, not so much...I haven't heard from him since.

Now, I am being complete ignored by him. I found his high school class ring and some old photos of him and his friends in my mom's storage space that we cleaned out a few weeks ago (see post below). I've emailed and sent him a message on myspace to find out if he wanted these things and I've received no response. Not a word. What a lame-o. I've tried to be nice and give him these things that I thought he might like, but apparently he feels like completely ignoring my attempts to return his things to him is the best course of action. Whatever.

So, I am seriously thinking of taking my husband's advise and selling my ex's ring for some extra cash. Maybe I'll buy my husband a present with it. I bet the ex would LOVE that.

Lightening Definitely Strikes Twice

So, so scary last night! We got hit by some serious thunderstorms. Probably the worst I've ever experienced. The lightning was so severe and freqent that the whole sky was lit up like it was the middle of the day. It was so vivid that it seriously looked like the grand finale at the 4th of July fireworks. The wind was so ferocious and it made the whole house creek. I seriously expected to look out the window and see a tornado coming down the road. And then to top it off, the power went out and was out all night (which made for a really hot and restless night with no A/C). We were very fortunate to have little damage to our house and yard...just downed tree limbs and leaves. Others in the neighborhood were not so fortunate. There is a lot of clean up to do.

Ahhh...mother nature is a fickle one. She can bring great beauty, but she can also bring great destruction.

Here's the story from one of the local news stations:

Severe thunderstorms cause damage to parts of western Massachusetts

WESTFIELD, Mass. (WWLP) - It was a tough night for many people in western Massachusetts after heavy storms moved through the area, closing down roads and knocking out power to many residents.

In the city of Westfield, it all happened around 11 o'clock Tuesday night. High winds knocked down a large tree limb in a commercial plaza on Route 20. Power crews continue to work on restoring power.

Police had to assist in traffic control because lights were lost due to outages.

On Mill Street near Noble Hospital, a huge tree closed the road. It knocked down power lines, posing a danger to those walking in the area. A tree also barely missed hitting a home.

On Springdale Road, another tree snapped off, nearly doing severe damage to a home. "Lightning hit, power went out, trees were flying everywhere. It sounded like they were crashing down. One fell there and another one fell down the road. No one could get to work" said Mike Hussey.

"Westfield was really, really dark and eerie, going through and seeing absolutely no street lights or business lights" said Anthony Martone.

All public schools in Westfield are closed due to storm damage.

Guilty Confession

I have a confession to make, and I'm not proud of it.

Yesterday, I mowed my lawn for the first time. How bad is that? I have owned my home since March of 2006, and yesterday was the first time I mowed. John has been master of that domain and I admit that I haven't been too much help. Sure, I've helped with other landscaping chores, including trimming the multitudes of bushes in our yard, raking leaves in the fall and putting down rocks in the bushes around the house. And, I planted flowers in the planter outside our front door (once, last year). But, John truly does the majority of the outdoor work. He doesn't seem to mind it too much, and he rarely asks for help, but I really should be doing a little more. So, in my efforts to do so, I got the lengthy lesson in how to operate our riding lawn mower (which, by the way, was a wedding gift from my father) and off I went. I think I did a pretty good job for my first time. Aside from taking twice as long as John normally does and running over one of Bailey's tennis balls, I think it came out pretty darn good! John did take over at the very end to get it finished, because a rain storm was quickly moving in our direction, but yesterday I mastered mowing!

I only have one complaint...I have bug bites on my legs now! I am so itchy today!!! Next time I will be sure to wear my bug repellent. And maybe wear pants and shoes, versus the shorts and flip flops I donned yesterday. I know, I know...not the best lawn mowing attire, but in my defense, it was 95 degrees out!

Whoa!

Whoa #1 - I paid $4.03(.9) a gallon for gas this week. Ugh!


Whoa #2 - Check this bad boy out...

Feelin' hot, hot hot!!!

Warning! Warning! Very Selfish Post Below - Read at your own risk!

Confusion! What is going on in my mind?!?

Let's first state the facts...I am turning 27 in 2 months (eek!) and John is turning 28 in November (double eek!). We've been married for over 2 years, we own a wonderful home, we both have flourishing careers, and we are truly happy and content in our lives together. So, it is only natural that we are thinking about the next step...having children. I have always known that I want to be a mother and I absolutely love children. Every time I see a baby, I am completely drawn to them and I melt just looking at them. I am also completely fascinated by pregnancy. Creating and growing a child inside of me is by far the most incomprehensible and amazing thing to think about and I am excited to experience it. Now that I've reached this point in my life, it is only natural that I've been thinking more and more about these things and my desire to start my own family has been growing.

So, the reason that I am bringing this all up is because John and I have been having very serious conversations about this next step in our lives lately. And while it's very exciting to think about, my reaction to the thought of this being a reality has surprised me a lot. With the way that I've been feeling about it, I expected myself to jump for joy when John felt that he was ready. I thought I'd be ready to jump right in and try to make it happen. But, now that this has happened, I find myself feeling quite the opposite. I worry about what effect it will have on our relationship as a couple. I love our life as it is right now and I love all of the wonderful time that John and I have together, just the two of us. I love being able to do what we want when we want, whether it be going out to dinner at a moments notice or being completely lazy on a Sunday afternoon snuggled up on the couch. I like it being just about us. I worry that if it weren't just us, we wouldn't be able to focus on each other and our relationship like we do now. I worry that our time together, the time that I love and cherish so much, will disappear. I worry that our lives will become completely about our children, and I do not want my entire existence to be defined by my children. I am a unique individual and I have my own personal desires, dreams, hopes, fears, likes, dislikes, quirks, ambitions, passions, etc. and I don't ever want to lose that person. It makes me sad to think about losing the lifestyle that we have now. I truly fear, and almost mourn, the loss of the things in my life that I love.

While I do realize that having children will change our lives, and I look forward to many of those changes, there are some things that I don't want to change. What if it is exactly those things that I don't want to change that do? There is no turning back after having children, and what if I wish we could turn back? The closer I get to starting my family, the less I feel like I want to. Is this normal? Am I being completely irrational or are all of these fears going to come true? Will I ever feel like I am 100% ready, or should I just take a leap of faith? Thankfully time is on my side and I don't have to make the decisions immediately. And, until I feel at peace with the situation, I will continue to take my little pill each night and ponder these questions as I fall asleep :-)