Warning! Warning! Very Selfish Post Below - Read at your own risk!

Confusion! What is going on in my mind?!?

Let's first state the facts...I am turning 27 in 2 months (eek!) and John is turning 28 in November (double eek!). We've been married for over 2 years, we own a wonderful home, we both have flourishing careers, and we are truly happy and content in our lives together. So, it is only natural that we are thinking about the next step...having children. I have always known that I want to be a mother and I absolutely love children. Every time I see a baby, I am completely drawn to them and I melt just looking at them. I am also completely fascinated by pregnancy. Creating and growing a child inside of me is by far the most incomprehensible and amazing thing to think about and I am excited to experience it. Now that I've reached this point in my life, it is only natural that I've been thinking more and more about these things and my desire to start my own family has been growing.

So, the reason that I am bringing this all up is because John and I have been having very serious conversations about this next step in our lives lately. And while it's very exciting to think about, my reaction to the thought of this being a reality has surprised me a lot. With the way that I've been feeling about it, I expected myself to jump for joy when John felt that he was ready. I thought I'd be ready to jump right in and try to make it happen. But, now that this has happened, I find myself feeling quite the opposite. I worry about what effect it will have on our relationship as a couple. I love our life as it is right now and I love all of the wonderful time that John and I have together, just the two of us. I love being able to do what we want when we want, whether it be going out to dinner at a moments notice or being completely lazy on a Sunday afternoon snuggled up on the couch. I like it being just about us. I worry that if it weren't just us, we wouldn't be able to focus on each other and our relationship like we do now. I worry that our time together, the time that I love and cherish so much, will disappear. I worry that our lives will become completely about our children, and I do not want my entire existence to be defined by my children. I am a unique individual and I have my own personal desires, dreams, hopes, fears, likes, dislikes, quirks, ambitions, passions, etc. and I don't ever want to lose that person. It makes me sad to think about losing the lifestyle that we have now. I truly fear, and almost mourn, the loss of the things in my life that I love.

While I do realize that having children will change our lives, and I look forward to many of those changes, there are some things that I don't want to change. What if it is exactly those things that I don't want to change that do? There is no turning back after having children, and what if I wish we could turn back? The closer I get to starting my family, the less I feel like I want to. Is this normal? Am I being completely irrational or are all of these fears going to come true? Will I ever feel like I am 100% ready, or should I just take a leap of faith? Thankfully time is on my side and I don't have to make the decisions immediately. And, until I feel at peace with the situation, I will continue to take my little pill each night and ponder these questions as I fall asleep :-)